Tuesday, September 23rd was a date I've repeated a lot these past 7 months. It was supposed to be my due date. Turns out, the days leading up to it were really tough for me. I couldn't help but think about how different our lives are now than we had intended them to be. I was supposed to be very very pregnant, wishing that this baby would just come. Instead, I have a chubby belly that won't go away--no matter what I do. I was supposed to have a very cute baby room decorated in pink and green. Instead, it's full of the scrapbook stuff I used to make a book about my baby's funeral. I was supposed to be completely sleep deprived taking care of a baby who refused to sleep through the night. Instead, I get up every morning to go to the job I'd hoped to quit. I was supposed to have a baby in my arms. Instead, I have a mold of her hands on my shelf and a charm with her name around my neck. Curtis and I were talking last night and as hard as it's been, we couldn't change it even if we had the power to do so. Mostly because we know that this was supposed to happen. As much as I hate to admit it, so much good has come of this. Our friend's dad talked to us at Addison's service and told us "your marriage has just been solidified." He was right. I can't think of anything that would have made us stronger as a couple than losing a baby. I've also had quite a few friends tell me how much this has helped them appreciate their own children. Being a parent is hard work, sometimes we need reminders of what a blessing it is too. I know it has changed me. It's helped me to be more compassionate. It's helped me to understand how to help others in need when before I felt so helpless. I think mostly, it's changed my perspective on motherhood and I know I will appreciate our future children in a way that never would had been possible without having the challenge of giving our baby girl back to Heavenly Father so quickly.
I know that the Lord has strengthened us through this and we will continue to be strengthened. God truly does love us. The savior will lighten our burden. He sends angels to help us through times like this. I pray that we will all have the strength to be His angels here on earth. Thank you to all of you who have been angels to us.
5 comments:
Andi, thanks for sharing your feelings. I've been thinking about you guys all week because of the due date. I'm glad you shared Addison's pictures with us. She was a beautiful baby.
I think you are amazing and I think it's healthy and awesome you share all your feelings with us viewers. We've all benefited because of it.
Excuse me if I am repeating myself.. but, when my dad died years ago, I remember people writing me letters and saying, "somehow, this will be a blessing in the future".. and I thought, "I just lost my dad, How on earth will this be a blessing??"
But they were right- as time healed my sore heart, I was able to gain a testimony of the Ressurection and Atonement on a level I wouldn't have had.. AND, it definitely increased my compassion and sympathy for others when they go through trials. My dad's early death, sad as it was/is, has made me so much stronger, and has made the Savior's presence in my life more real. ANd, like you said- it strengthens you to other family members, like your husband.
Elder Holland gave an amazing talk last week at a CES fireside on Joseph Smith in liberty jail- have you heard it?? i highly recommend listening to this... Let me know if you need me to send you teh link.
Sorry for the novel, Andi. You are one great example to me. Hang in there.
much love
katie
I'm constantly impresseed by your composure and perspective. My testimony has really been strengthened by your experience and by you sharing your testimony.
Katie's perspective was beautifully written. Adam and I have both felt that you guys have turned to each other and that a deeper love resides within your marriage. I want you to know also that I think of your FAMILY every day and am grateful to be part of your lives.
I love you Andi!
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